16 Jan How to Deal with Bullies and Reclaim Your Power
“The heart is like a garden: it can grow
compassion or fear, resentment or love.
What seeds will you plant there?”– Jack Kornfield
Dear bullies, it’s time for a change.
Your taunting, jeering, and laughter has only led to suffering, loneliness, and public humiliation. You have somehow granted yourselves the authority to torment or intimidate someone because you deemed them as “unworthy.”
They have the wrong skin color. Wrong body type. Wrong religion. Wrong interests.
“You’d be much hotter if you had a bigger butt.”
Source: Buzzfeed
Bullies fail to understand that if they were genuinely happy and secure with themselves, they wouldn’t need to put others down. If only they used their insecurities as a way to forge bonds with others…show compassion…grow stronger.
We are surrounded by all walks of life. Despite the walls people erect or the superficial outwardly appearance people paint for themselves on social media, every individual has a story to be told. Sometimes we are so incredibly caught up in our own selfishness that we fail to truly see others or to take the time to stop and listen.
Life is gritty enough. Instead of filling all those chapters with hate, bigotry, jealousy, and pain, why can’t we stand together and learn how to give love and acceptance.
Falling Victim to a Bully
Bullies are everywhere – on the playground, in high schools, the workplace, among friend groups (what happened to squad goals? Please refer to Taylor Swift for some advice). And, what’s more, they can be young or old. Sometimes a child doesn’t know better or simply needs to be taught a lesson. They may be dealing with personal struggles, mental health, or issues at home, and they’re simply acting out or not developed enough to know how to respond properly. For adults, however, what’s your excuse? Do you want to feel powerful? Important?
I remember being bullied in middle school and feeling like the world was crashing down on me. No one would sit next to me. I was “that thing” over there…like I had a disease. All because a group of jealous girls decided to throw me out like a piece of trash. Why? They were angry that I landed my first boyfriend. It’s funny to write the word “boyfriend” now. We were in middle school and truly (thankfully) just innocent kids. Compared to kids today, I had it good. When I left school and went home, nothing followed me. No internet. No social media. Nothing.
College was full of bullies, but that was no surprise (remember Juicy Campus? I do. It was sexual harassment carried out “safely” via a computer). What really caught me off-guard was entering the workforce and finding a plethora of bullies just waiting for some fresh blood to prey on. The scary part? In my first job, I was the youngest employee by at least 20 years. The people who hurt me…made me cry…had daughters my age. The conniving, the manipulation, the lies – did it make your life better?
For those currently dealing with a bully or have a child dealing with one, let’s explore some ways to address these not-so-nice individuals.
Summon Your Confidence
Do you know what bullies like? To see you cower. To see you broken. Deep down, they know what the real motivator is and most likely, don’t even believe they deserve your respect. So, next time you are bombarded by a bully, do not punch back. And to be clear, I’m using that as a figure of speech (don’t ever literally punch them please). Instead, speak with self-assurance and win the battle by showing your strength, courage, and ability to brush off their attempts to put you down.
Don’t Let Yourself Withdraw from Life
A bully wants to feel a sense of ownership over you and part of accomplishing that is to strip you of your power and make you feel incredibly alone. You are never alone. Keep your friends and family close – those connections are your support system and an important part of making sure you don’t isolate yourself from social contact – a.k.a fall into a dark hole.
Be Purposeful with Your Language
When you don’t let emotion dictate your response and you remain assertive with your language, it’ll communicate to the bully that you ain’t down with being victimized. (Not today, Regina George. Not Today, Mr. Goldstein). When you speak intentionally, it shows you do not pose a threat nor do you care to seek out their acceptance or forgiveness.
Remember, when you “talk back” and challenge a bully, it gives them the attention they crave and the power they’re seeking over you. Don’t let them get under your skin, because once they have a hold on you, it’ll only grow stronger with time. What may start as mild teasing or name-calling (rude) can quickly morph into aggressive and violent behavior.
“You walk funny. You walk like a duck.”
Source: Buzzfeed
Get Help
This is so important. You may feel embarrassed, alone, or too proud to seek assistance, but whatever excuses you tell yourself, you’re really just avoiding what’s best for you. It’ll only worsen your situation. There are endless options when it comes to connecting with others and getting the help you need.
First, there are hotlines galore – all waiting for you to dial in. It’s not cheesy. It’s not admitting defeat. It’s showing you have the strength and maturity to open yourself up to others. What’s great about leveraging resources like The Trevor Project is it’s confidential, free, and you’d be surprised how far a little expertise and outside perspective can go.
You can also elect to see a therapist. Before you object, let me tell you this: some of the most influential and well-known individuals in today’s world go to therapy. Why? Because it’s someone who you can openly vent to and receive unbiased advice from. Personally, I think everyone should see a therapist – whether or not you have a specific issue to discuss. It’s a great outlet for taking care of your mental health and being able to say everything you want to without judgment or repercussions.
A school guidance counselor can provide similar help. They are much more steeped in the ongoings of your school and can help you navigate all sorts of issues – from bullying to peer pressure to coming out. Try it. What have you got to lose?
The absolute last place on earth that most kids, teens, and even young adults want to go to for help is their parents. But the reality is, who knows you better than the two people who raised you. Sure, it might seem a bit scary or even uncomfortable, but most of us tend to forget that our parents were young once too (sorry mom and dad – you’re still bubbling with youth!). That means they’ve probably had similar experiences or can at least relate on some level to what you’re going through. Not only will it warm your parents’ hearts that you place your trust in them, but it’ll help you forge deeper bonds with the most important individual(s) in your life.
Strike While the Iron is Hot Cold
The colder the better. Sometimes, all it takes to overcome a bully is step back and give it time. Instead of exchanging words or resorting to being hostile, it will blow their mind when you refuse to stoop to their level and respond in the heat of the moment. Plus, once your blood stops boiling and your heart ceases racing, you’ll have a much clearer head – meaning figuring out a solution and choosing your actions wisely is much easier.
The same tactics apply to cyberbullying. Don’t retaliate or post an equally mean response – it’ll only add fuel to the fire and worsen the situation. Not to mention, you should be taking the high road. One thing I’ve noticed people tend to do is reread hurtful or offense comments over and over again like some unhealthy obsession.
By doing so, you’re only heightening your anger, aggression, desire to retaliate, and pain. Remember, you can always report offensive posts to networks like Facebook or simply remove them altogether by deleting them. It’s easy to hide behind a computer screen and word vomit piles of hate, but it takes a strong person to not play into their sick game.
For the Parents
For all the moms or dads out there, always look for signs that your child is being bullied. If they become withdrawn, refuse to go to school, shy away from after-school activities, have behavioral changes, or appear physically distressed, get the dialogue going.
Don’t make your child feel like they’re being interrogated, but rather, encourage them to talk about all facets of their life, including their social situation. These talks can begin early, even if your kid isn’t being bullied. It gives you the opportunity to build up their confidence, reinforce positive behaviors, and even create responses to “what if” situations.
Oh, and just to be clear, adults can get bullied just as much as kids can. Sure, some football jock may not be jamming you into a locker, but they can certainly wreak havoc on your life. As Roger S. Gil, a clinically-trained therapist, explains, “As adults, many bullies are in a position of power over their victims. I’ve often seen adult bullies who are in a supervisory position at work. The power differential often serves to fuel their bullying behavior because they may feel that their weaker subordinates are truly powerless to do anything.”
When you recognize someone is intentionally aiming to hurt you, try and understand what their motivations are. Are they jealous of your home life? Threatened by your career success? Whatever the case may be, separate yourself from the individual and don’t feed into their attempts to knock you down. You should stand up for yourself by confronting them and pointing out their behaviors – but tread carefully here, you don’t want to provoke them. Remember, you do not have to be a victim and you can seek out help just like kids can.
My final words to anyone reading this are to let those bullies make you stronger. You are worthy. You are accepted. And there are people out there who care about you. So, don’t let some bully dictate your story – use your power to write your own.
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